Self-love is tricky – or at least that’s what it feels like for me. I think I’m slowly starting to accept that I fall under the “impatient” category. A long journey does not seem appealing – does it ever? And self-love is one journey that I feel I’ll be on for a long time.
I’ve been stuck in a lonely dark hole. It’s mind-boggling how something that you cannot begin to explain to another person can come forward in front of you and block the “real” you. You know, the you that has a voice and an opinion like everyone else. Instead, this entity overrides you and you cower with its fangs deeply rooted on your shoulders sucking your self-esteem.
Feeling deflated after this daily ritual, you exclaim to yourself, “Enough is enough!” I also want to look like other people, I want to be fearless and not worry about anything that seems like it’s the end of the world. In a book I recently read the author speaks about interrupting anxiety with the truth, “Anxiety is typically triggered by a future outcome, so tell yourself what is true about the moment you’re in right now. The thing making you anxious has not, and likely will not happen.”
I’ve been reading an awful amount of self-love books, desperate to free myself from where I am confined and taste liberation. They’ve helped to a certain extent. Which brings me to the question: Can you, as a person who has suffered with anxiety and shook hands with depression really discard the negative thoughts forever? Louise Hay in her book, Love Yourself, Heal Your Life says, “Whatever your beliefs may be about yourself and the world, remember that they are only thoughts and thoughts can be changed.” They are only thoughts and thoughts can be changed. Whew! I remember reading that and having the light bulb shine brightly within. Something so simple and so foreign was what I thought could finally be me lifting the chains and freeing myself from this entity. And then I went to an event with a lot of people and everything I had learned and started practicing trickled down my ice-cold ‘quickly deflating’ esteem.
How could I still be revisiting all the negative thoughts? How was it possible that in a split second, I had forgotten everything? I felt myself melt in a pool of my own stupidity and having the entity stare down at me shaking its head telling me what was I thinking? Did I really think that I would conquer this and come out on top? I was disappointed in myself.
There is so much to be thankful for and my anxiety takes away all of the good that I am surrounded by. I have to remind myself that I recognise that I am the source of my happiness. My patience is something that I have to work on in order for me to live a life full of positivity and self-love.
Here’s to happiness!